Sunday, February 10, 2019
The last Post)s)
The last 3 posts are out of sequence but at this point the order remains stuck until I figure out a workaround
Day 26-20
It seems I have been a little lax at keeping up with my blog posts of late. I think the main reason is that, of late, the difference between one day and the next has changed very little since my final stent surgery back in May.
Sadly, the symptoms haven't changed a whole lot over the last 6 weeks or so.
While pain levels have decreased somewhat there are still frequent episodes of hematuria which are exacerbated by any attempts to restart my blood thinners, whether or not I use Pradaxa or low dose ASA.
A relatively recent switch from vaporized cannabis leaf to oral cannabis oil has resulted in a more prolonged level of pain control but at $110 a bottle, essentially a $ a ml. it isn't exactly cheap.
Physically, I am feeling considerably better but emotionally I am still somewhat drained, mostly due to the somewhat embarrassing bladder urgency that seems to strike unannounced. Having been essentially pronounced cancer free I should probably consider myself lucky and suck it up, but personal hygiene has always been important to me.
My next stent procedure is set for the middle of August and I cant honestly see myself dealing with another one after that. Fighting Cancer seems to be a catchall phrase that people love to toss around as a form of emotional support but I feel like I am not fighting this condition but merely taking shots to the head and abdomen as I stand with my hands tied behind my back.
I would be lying if I said that I hadn't considered suicide at least once or twice during my recovery. The principle reason for not going through with it is my concern for the stress it would place on my loved ones, as well as the fact that I still have a shit load of things to do and places to see over the next few years. Every new idea for a future travel destination seems to be a carrot on a stick that leads me out of my current level of despair and frustration and on to a bright spot somewhere further down the road.
A recent discovery while attending a weekend show at the Sony Centre for the Moody Blues indicated that a former colleague had been discovered dead at the age of 65, apparently with no pre=existing medical conditions other that an affinity for excessive alcohol. . Suicide or acute alcohol poisoning were the rumoured COD but who knows. I could say he deserved it over his treatment of others in his past careers but I'd hate to have people say similiar things about me if and when I succomb to my cancer or seek assisted suicide as an early escape.
Sadly, the symptoms haven't changed a whole lot over the last 6 weeks or so.
While pain levels have decreased somewhat there are still frequent episodes of hematuria which are exacerbated by any attempts to restart my blood thinners, whether or not I use Pradaxa or low dose ASA.
A relatively recent switch from vaporized cannabis leaf to oral cannabis oil has resulted in a more prolonged level of pain control but at $110 a bottle, essentially a $ a ml. it isn't exactly cheap.
Physically, I am feeling considerably better but emotionally I am still somewhat drained, mostly due to the somewhat embarrassing bladder urgency that seems to strike unannounced. Having been essentially pronounced cancer free I should probably consider myself lucky and suck it up, but personal hygiene has always been important to me.
My next stent procedure is set for the middle of August and I cant honestly see myself dealing with another one after that. Fighting Cancer seems to be a catchall phrase that people love to toss around as a form of emotional support but I feel like I am not fighting this condition but merely taking shots to the head and abdomen as I stand with my hands tied behind my back.
I would be lying if I said that I hadn't considered suicide at least once or twice during my recovery. The principle reason for not going through with it is my concern for the stress it would place on my loved ones, as well as the fact that I still have a shit load of things to do and places to see over the next few years. Every new idea for a future travel destination seems to be a carrot on a stick that leads me out of my current level of despair and frustration and on to a bright spot somewhere further down the road.
A recent discovery while attending a weekend show at the Sony Centre for the Moody Blues indicated that a former colleague had been discovered dead at the age of 65, apparently with no pre=existing medical conditions other that an affinity for excessive alcohol. . Suicide or acute alcohol poisoning were the rumoured COD but who knows. I could say he deserved it over his treatment of others in his past careers but I'd hate to have people say similiar things about me if and when I succomb to my cancer or seek assisted suicide as an early escape.
Day Zero and beyond
I believe Day zero was actually 4 days ago, but at this point who is counting? The "drama" wont actually end until August 22nd when I'll get a Yay or a Nay from my oncologist.
The last 200 days has not been a whole lot of fun, but at this point I'm alive and kicking. The worst part of the whole thing hasn't been the cancer and it's treatments. It has been they annoying discomfort and occasional embarrassment of the kidney stent. Spending less time vertical has helped that a bit. As has the ingestion of various Cannabis products, mostly CBD based, to alleviate the pain, which can best be described as similar to being kicked in the nuts.
As well as the physical pain there has been a decent amount of mental stress. During a couple of bad times I must admit that suicide did flash fleetingly across my field of view. It all boils down to quality over quantity. I've had an amazing life and have seen so much of the world so if I were to "check out" now rather than later, I dont think I would miss a whole lot.
Having said that, I was recently informed of the apparent suicide of a former boss. He is not someone that I will miss might be the nicest way to describe my feelings about him. But that event gave me a SKITA and I realize that there is too much great stuff happening that I cant leave the party too early! LOL
Next month I have lined up an EPIC trip through Tuscany with stops in Venice, Cinque Terre and Rome.
Final Update: I didn't notice I hadn't published the last three posts until now. On a positive note, My last checkup in Jan 2019 pronounced me free of any further lymphoma, so life will, indeed go on! And On, And On!!!!!!!
The last 200 days has not been a whole lot of fun, but at this point I'm alive and kicking. The worst part of the whole thing hasn't been the cancer and it's treatments. It has been they annoying discomfort and occasional embarrassment of the kidney stent. Spending less time vertical has helped that a bit. As has the ingestion of various Cannabis products, mostly CBD based, to alleviate the pain, which can best be described as similar to being kicked in the nuts.
As well as the physical pain there has been a decent amount of mental stress. During a couple of bad times I must admit that suicide did flash fleetingly across my field of view. It all boils down to quality over quantity. I've had an amazing life and have seen so much of the world so if I were to "check out" now rather than later, I dont think I would miss a whole lot.
Having said that, I was recently informed of the apparent suicide of a former boss. He is not someone that I will miss might be the nicest way to describe my feelings about him. But that event gave me a SKITA and I realize that there is too much great stuff happening that I cant leave the party too early! LOL
Next month I have lined up an EPIC trip through Tuscany with stops in Venice, Cinque Terre and Rome.
Final Update: I didn't notice I hadn't published the last three posts until now. On a positive note, My last checkup in Jan 2019 pronounced me free of any further lymphoma, so life will, indeed go on! And On, And On!!!!!!!
Day 14
By this stage of the game I have somewhat lost track of things and I may have 2 weeks to go before I close of this blog, although mynext CT and review of results will extend behind my 200 day diary.
It is actually 4;30 in the morning and I am not sleeping for reasons I shall explain.
The last week has been intermittent episodes of abdominal pain which I am attributing to the kidney stent. Sunday Susanna and I drove to Toronto in the early afternoon, fought traffic on the Gardiner for a half hour before taking a meandering set of side streets to reach Dundas and Spadina. 3 hours of sitting was giving me some degree of hip and lower body aches so I was grateful to get out and walk for a whileninto Chinatown where we stopped at King's noodle for, what else, as well asa bowl of congee. Walking around the food stalls we picked up some lychee before returning to our car and heading to my usual parking spot at St Mike's, a maere 2 blocks from Massey Hall.
With 2 hours to kill before show time we wandered the Eaton Centre and surveyed the 'Bargoons" at Nordstroms- a single gucchi ladies pump had a $440 price tag. I presumed it was a pair but perhaps they are offering an amputee line!!!
Shortly after 7 we made our way into the great old building and found our seats- specially designed for people under 5 feet tall in the upper gallery. Shawn Cullen did a quick warm up before Ricky Gervais hit the stage leading in with comments on the Golden Globes, Bruce Jenner, Bill Cosby, animal domestication and various exercises in creating very tasetless jokes to offend his wife- jokes he would never actually perform in public. He also discussed animal cruelty at length particularly the Hunan Dog festival in China. Concluding with somewhat of an encore about his Mom's funeral he literally brought down the house. While it wouldn't have been a stretch for my uncles to pull off similar commentaries, it was a sad reminder of the recent death of Bradley Lowery the 6 year old "mascot of SAC in recent months as he struggled with a terminal brain cancer.
WE returned to London and arrived shortly before midnight, me feeling somewhat uncomfortable having experienced some pain and hematuria before and after the show.
Today, I arrived at work at 8:20am and soon discovered an uncomfortable urge to urinate on a 15-20 minute basis. I managed to get my work done, tolerating it until 1pm when I gave up and went up. The discomfort continued through the evening- litterally a piss off. Embarassing to say, light weight underliners have prevented most major enbarassments but things had better improve before Europe in September
It is actually 4;30 in the morning and I am not sleeping for reasons I shall explain.
The last week has been intermittent episodes of abdominal pain which I am attributing to the kidney stent. Sunday Susanna and I drove to Toronto in the early afternoon, fought traffic on the Gardiner for a half hour before taking a meandering set of side streets to reach Dundas and Spadina. 3 hours of sitting was giving me some degree of hip and lower body aches so I was grateful to get out and walk for a whileninto Chinatown where we stopped at King's noodle for, what else, as well asa bowl of congee. Walking around the food stalls we picked up some lychee before returning to our car and heading to my usual parking spot at St Mike's, a maere 2 blocks from Massey Hall.
With 2 hours to kill before show time we wandered the Eaton Centre and surveyed the 'Bargoons" at Nordstroms- a single gucchi ladies pump had a $440 price tag. I presumed it was a pair but perhaps they are offering an amputee line!!!
Shortly after 7 we made our way into the great old building and found our seats- specially designed for people under 5 feet tall in the upper gallery. Shawn Cullen did a quick warm up before Ricky Gervais hit the stage leading in with comments on the Golden Globes, Bruce Jenner, Bill Cosby, animal domestication and various exercises in creating very tasetless jokes to offend his wife- jokes he would never actually perform in public. He also discussed animal cruelty at length particularly the Hunan Dog festival in China. Concluding with somewhat of an encore about his Mom's funeral he literally brought down the house. While it wouldn't have been a stretch for my uncles to pull off similar commentaries, it was a sad reminder of the recent death of Bradley Lowery the 6 year old "mascot of SAC in recent months as he struggled with a terminal brain cancer.
WE returned to London and arrived shortly before midnight, me feeling somewhat uncomfortable having experienced some pain and hematuria before and after the show.
Today, I arrived at work at 8:20am and soon discovered an uncomfortable urge to urinate on a 15-20 minute basis. I managed to get my work done, tolerating it until 1pm when I gave up and went up. The discomfort continued through the evening- litterally a piss off. Embarassing to say, light weight underliners have prevented most major enbarassments but things had better improve before Europe in September
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