Day 26-20

It seems I have been a little lax at keeping up with my blog posts of late. I think the main reason is that, of late, the difference between one day and the next has changed very little since my final stent surgery back in May.
   Sadly, the symptoms haven't changed a whole lot over the last 6 weeks or so.
   While pain levels have decreased somewhat there are still frequent episodes of hematuria which are exacerbated by any attempts to restart my blood thinners, whether or not I use Pradaxa or low dose ASA.
   A relatively recent switch from vaporized cannabis leaf to oral cannabis oil has resulted in a more prolonged level of pain control but at $110 a bottle, essentially a $ a ml. it isn't exactly cheap.
  Physically, I am feeling considerably better but emotionally I am still somewhat drained, mostly due to the somewhat embarrassing bladder urgency that seems to strike unannounced. Having been essentially pronounced cancer free I should probably consider myself lucky and suck it up, but personal hygiene has always been important to me.
   My next stent procedure is set for the middle of August and I cant honestly see myself dealing with another one after that. Fighting Cancer seems to be a catchall phrase that people love to toss around as a form of emotional support but I feel like I am not fighting this condition but merely taking shots to the head and abdomen as I stand with my hands tied behind my back.
 I would be lying if I said that I hadn't considered suicide at least once or twice during my recovery. The principle reason for not going through with it is my concern for the stress it would place on my loved ones, as well as the fact that I still have a shit load of things to do and places to see over the next few years. Every new idea for a future travel destination seems to be a carrot on a stick that leads me out of my current level of despair and frustration and on to a bright spot somewhere further down the road.
  A recent discovery while attending a weekend show at the Sony Centre for the Moody Blues indicated that a former colleague had been discovered dead at the age of 65, apparently with no pre=existing medical conditions other that an affinity for excessive alcohol. . Suicide or acute alcohol poisoning were the rumoured COD but who knows. I could say he deserved it over his treatment of others in his past careers but I'd hate to have people say similiar things about me if and when I succomb to my cancer or seek assisted suicide as an early escape.